It has Occurred To Me...

That I've never written a true version of what a cancer patient goes through. I've held back a lot.

I started out with the Chemo pack, Wilson, for 6 weeks 24/7...all the way through Thanksgiving. With this came the craves for hamburgers practically all the time. Everything else was gross. Did I tell you though that I struggled for awhile wondering why God put this on me? I have brought a rough life upon myself at different times in my life. There were also some other bad times that I went through. (not horrible...but just rough.) Sometimes, I thought I did something so terrible that it was possible God was punishing me. Of course, not true. Sometimes, I thought I deserved it. True? No, not at all. Ryan talked me through that phase...
I hated more than ever going all alone to the cancer center and looking out the big windows while waiting for the new bag to be put on. I would rock back and forth in the chair wishing that I was out on the wet roads driving right by this place and would never have to see the other cancer patients who were suffering. I could see the look in their eyes and recognize instantly that it was the same in mine and I didn't like that.

Then came Christmas. It was good but really odd to me. So strange and so unreal. Surgery was coming up, everyone knew it and it was an off time. It lacked something. I tried to run with my dad and my sister to Starbucks... I couldn't finish the run... I didn't even get that far. That was the first time I felt stupid and angry of the cancer. I use to run so much and be better at it.

Then came surgery. The day that school started, surgery began. The overwhelming effect of what was about to happen didn't hit me until the epidural was ready and they kicked my family out. Panic came crashing down and I prayed that I made it through all intact and they didn't find the cancer anywhere else in my body. It went fine. Afterwards, I was happy the first day I woke up and then my mental health decreased rapidly. I felt hopeless in getting out, I struggled to sit up, I fought going on walks, and I remember the last day...I wanted to get out soooo bad but I thought I couldn't. There is evil in hospitals.

Then came the final Chemo. It was the hardest thing ever. The cold was like thousands of needles tearing at my skin and ripping my eyes out. The pain took over every nerve right to my scalp. I couldn't walk properly, I lost function and needed Ryan's help. I couldn't breath right, it depressed my cardio. My hands locked into weird positions as if I was having panic attacks. Every movement made my body hurt. After the third day though, it would start to diminish.
I started crying at everything. I was sensitive. I thought everyone hated me. I looked into the mirror and saw a ragged and torn person who still had some weird strength buried deep. I gave up work and moved up to Longmont.
Smart move. Mom took over and started taking care of me. It got worse. I started throwing up more. Gastroenteritis would set in at the 5 day mark. If you ever had that, it's the worse stomach pain you could have...besides being pregnant. Contractions and waves of pain making it difficult to breath or walk. It would last a day. The cold still ripped into the body, body still ached, throwing up, and a deep suffering would last and it seemed like there was no way to escape.
The best feeling ever was having someone touch you very lightly. Rub your back, your head, your arms, your legs... even your hands. It felt wonderful to go to sleep with someone next to you...whether it be mom or fiancee. Then you weren't alone...like you were in everything else. Then I would go back for more of this crap. I would look up at the person I was with and into their eyes. Wondering... I could show the pain I've been feeling for this whole time and see them break down and start crying. Or I could keep going like it's no big deal and do it again because seeing them in pain would be too much for me. I chose the later. I sucked it up and took on a little bit more suffering in order to not see them cry.

Ya, so you have your opinions about it, but I'm the one who survived. So, take that into consideration.

Well, that's it for now!!! About cancer at least. There's a whole lot more: Like the depression afterwards that you can not even dream about having. It was probably the worst stage to go through because it lasted for another 4 months. I'll get to that later.

Good news: I'm all done!!!