I'm writing my book about going through cancer. Writing this book is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I think I have chemo brain and I just repressed a lot. Nobody can blame me. While sitting down and writing, I find myself breaking down and crying. I'm crying more now than I ever did actually fighting the disease. There was just something that kicked into high gear and that was pure fighting instinct. Animal instinct, in other words. Often though I wasn't fighting for myself. I fought for friends and family so that they wouldn't suffer so much.
Did I ever tell you what Radiation treatments are like? For colon cancer at least, they are pretty humiliating. The first time you enter this room with a machine in the center. Big and ominous. 4 nurses are in the room and on the counter behind them is 2 huge needles. You can immediately know that my pulse spiked easily in the hundreds. They bring out a block shaped into the pattern of your knees and shins. Why? Well, you get onto this table put your face down into another block and put your arms up into the mold around your head. Then you fit your legs to the mold below you. Every time you go for a treatment, you need to be in the exact same position. No variation, ever. The first day they make the molds, lay you down, remove your pants and underwear and stick three needles in you to give three tattoo dots. This is how you line up with the lasers. Then, for the next 6 weeks, every day, you go back into that position without any pants and underwear. You sit in that room, all alone, with the radiologist and nurse behind dark tinted glass, making sure you line up perfectly with the red hot radiation laser. Oh yeah, you do have your chemo pack still attached giving off a whir every 2 seconds, pushing the chemo into your heart. That goes for 30 minutes. Then you are done, get up on your knees while the nurses kindly look away and you pull back on your pants and delicates.
One time someone put on Christian music, and I thanked them over and over for it. Usually, nothing is on and you try to take a nap while your cheeks burn with blush.
That my friends is radiation. The one that gives you blisters on you lips, burns, and many other wonderful side-effects.
2 comments:
So excited about the book! I'm glad to hear that you are getting it all out. I'm also sad to hear that it is as hard as it is. I'll be praying for you! I look forward to reading your book someday. Let me know if there is anything you need help with. Love you!
Jo, You will experience healing going through the process. Remember that God loves you immensely and He did not allow you to go this alone.
I have found that after all the trying times are done, then the healing comes. Emotions are much higher later on then when you are in the fighting mode.
Randy and I will be praying for you and know you will succeed in whatever you set your mind to. We love you so much and God loves you even more.
Cindy and Randy
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