Life is fleeting and if you are lucky you catch small glimpses of it....that you can remember. That is why you live life and you try to love all. But gosh darn it all, it's really hard to love all.
I don't want to be the girl that died young and was remember by writings and by her fighting. I want to be the old lady that died happily, known for her writings and zest for life. But boy, it is so hard sometimes to love life. There are so many trials thrown at you, there are so many "bumps along the way."

It is in people's nature to worry about what others think about them. Now, I believe I have changed and I really don't give crap. Is that snotty or wrong? Nope, it's called survival of the fittest and I just have to fight harder than most. I will love the way I want. I will be the way I want. I will need help along the way and ask for it. I will fight for what I want and if you don't like what I represent, then who are you to tell me to stop?
- and there is really no point in this rant. It's just nice to reinforce yourself. When I get to the bottom, it's still nice knowing that I've still got fight left in me.

Cancer is a huge thing, yes. I love my family dearly for sticking with me and I love Ryan even more now because of it. However, throughout the process (which is long) sometimes you lose yourself. You forget how to take a stand on things, you forget how to put up a fight, and sometimes you forget how to voice your opinion. What gets you back on track? It's not hearing stories of other survivors... It's not listening to other humans give you a motivational talk.... It's not reading a story in a magazine either about some cancer issue. It's the little things.

It's those talks that you have with your family till 9 or 10 at night about all the issues in the world, and they remind you of who you are.

It's about someone sticking their finger in your face, or taking your hand, and pulling you on that walk that you thought to be impossible but did it with someone who gently helped you along.

It's about those cards that you get in the mail for all the relatives you haven't heard from in a long time, but they sent it to reassure you that they love you.

It's about getting out of bed each day and muttering to yourself that it could possibly be the crappiest day ever and you're still doing it.

It's about listening to the other people who complain and whine how their life is overwhelming, and you get a kick out of it because you know it could be worse, they could have cancer. And then that reminds you that it could even be worse for you. Then you start laughing because it's just a circle, everything could be worse than everything else.... and then you keep laughing, just because it feels good. And it's even funnier when the person gets pissed off and they know you don't care. Man, such a good feeling.

It's about many little things. Just thinking that you could have been dead in another year is mind blowing. You start to realize you don't pray for yourself that often, you pray for your loved ones. You realize that everything is possible to solve as long as you have an even voice, clear mind, and keep your temper down.

You also realize that even when you are clear at the bottom of the pit of Life, God is still there. Why? psshhh. Who knows. Sure glad he is though. It's nice to have someone else take care of you. It's nice not to worry about where the next job will be, because something is going to come around, because he said he would take care of me.

That would be my update. Chemo did not start on the 20th but it will start this Friday. I go and sit in the place for 2 hours. I will write and explain to everyone how it went. I'm pretty sure that it's going to be one of those bumpy rides.

Much Love.