It is in human nature to question God. Why does he want me to go through this? This stuff is aweful. How do cancer patients get through this?
My Oncologist is a blood sucking liar. Chemo is not once every three weeks for 4 months. It will be 2 and a half hours in a chair getting pumped full and then 48 hours carrying around a fanny pack getting even more pumped into me..... every 2 weeks for 4 months. At this rate I will be going till June 12th.
A whole new list of side effects have come to be.
- Touching the cold, breathing in the cold, drinking cold, anything with cold causes discomfort.
- Nausea, Vomiting, and Weakness
- Tired
- teeth sensitivity to biting down or drinking
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the beginning. I am still menopausal, so when I get the hot flashes and want to drink something cold to cool down, think again because it will not be a pleasant experience. When I want to brush my teeth, that hurts. When I put in contacts, that hurts. When I want to cry, that hurts more than you can imagine. My skin feels raw and exposed.
So, chemo commenced on Feb 27th and it could possibly be the worst thing ever. And you know what I did? Asked everyone to pray for me, cried because I was in pain, and threw everything up. I asked God why, I asked to be relieved of some symptoms, I was down on my knees dying for anything to help me. What happened?
Nothing.
Not one Thing.
Besides a panic attack and hyperventilation. And no, guess what, I'm not going to see a damn psychiastrist.... you know why? They write you perscriptions that take you from reality.
I went through it and I disconnected my fanny pack today and said I had it for this round.
I held onto my teddy bear and woke up to throw up.... 4 times. Couldn't keep tea down, motrin, any pills, food... nothing.
Ryan stayed by my side. Rubbed my back, bought me things to drink and crackers to eat. He is a good guy. And I woke him up every time I puked.
Wonderful eh? Who has comments on this? I know I must have sparked something in at least someone. Who is the next one in line to tell me a story of someone who didn't have a problem with chemo, or who cried out to God and got their pain allieviated? Who is the next one to tell me of a friend of another....? Have I done something wrong here? What did I do to obtain this prison?
Their story is not mine. Will this get better through the next round? I can only hope and you can only tell me that it may. The only thing that ties me to the next cancer person is that both of us have survived. That is it. The only thing that I can now say, is that I failed round one. I took an early vacation and ended it before it's due time to end.
However, there is one thing that I can say for certain now. I am stronger than most others, my equal is cancer and it has leveled me, it has sneered in my face and said you failed and will fail over and over again. Yet, I accept that and continue the regime.
You go through chemotherapy.... I bet you wouldn't last long either. Who reads my blog that has gone through cancer? Does this ring a bell to you? Who here can step forward and share their own story with me? Who reads this and can bring me hope? Give me the one lines that mean the world. I believe God is here, yet why won't he touch me?
My world is different than yours. As is everyone's different than each others. What draws us to be connected? Who would like to connect with me and share this pain? Who can come hold me in this time and tell me that it will leave?
Where is my big bother? So lost in Japan that he has no time to call? So lost, that even the relatives whom are not as close as him, still send me a card, and he does not.... not even with the words "I love you" on it?
Alright, I give up. I need help. I am pleading for your help. I do not care if I know you or I don't. I do not care if you are Christian or you're not. I plead for God's Mercy. I will probably plead throughout this entire thing. Why? Because. It sucks. And this is how I am coping now. Will it change? Yes. Who will hold my hand?
13 comments:
I don't know your pain but I do know I couldn't do it. It wouldn't hurt to ask the doctor to lighten up the chemo dose a bit and see if that helps the nausea and vomiting. You still need to be able to function. Try some peach tea when you can tolerate it or some fresh peaches. It is suppose to help with nausea. It worked on me a while back but then I wasn't on chemo. Good luck, stay strong and remember people are praying for you and God hears your cries.
Wow. I wish there was something I could do or say that would ease things for you. You are in our thoughts and prayers and honestly that's all I can offer you. I wish you didn't have to go through this and I hope you feel better soon. Love you, kiddo.
I will hold your hand.
Hi Jo, you don't know me but my brother Chad and his wife Ana were your parent's neighbors. Chad told my family about you and I've been checking in on your progress and praying for you out here in Seattle. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through... You have been so brave and positive so far, I don't know how you do it, you are truly an amazing woman. There's something I wanted to share with you that I came across on the internet by sheer accident earlier this week. It's a comprehensive program about healing Cancer naturally (or in conjunction with Chemo and radiation). I thought about you when I saw it and bookmarked it because I didn't have time to read it then. After reading your post tonight I remembered the website, pulled it up and read everything. It made a lot of sense and I figure, why not check it out? It might be worth trying especially since the Chemo is making you so sick. I hope you find this information helpful. Good luck to you and stay strong. My family is praying for you in Seattle and I do believe God hears your prayers.
~Lanette
http://www.cancerfightingstrategies.com/?engine=adwords!800&keyword=%28esophagus+cancer%29&match_type=content&gclid=CISmvZrR65gCFQ6jagod_mbL0g
What can we say, Jo other than we love you! Wish I could be there to hold your hand as well!
Oh Jo...I haven't been checking your blog as often as I was in the beginning, but I started checking it again once I knew you were going back on Chemo. I know my mom and my father-in-law have both been through this before, but they didn't talk about it much, so I have very little knowledge on the subject. I can tell by your words that you're miserable, and I AM praying for you, but that's all I know to do. Tell me how I can be of more help to you. Tell me specifically how to pray for you. I can tell people love you and care deeply about you, and we're all trying as much as we know to try to ease your discomfort, your pain and your fears. You're crying to the right Source! I hope some of what you're reading here will help you know at least how special you are.
My heart hurts for you. I know that doesnt make you feel better or make anything stop. But I want you to know that. I want you to know that I honestly believe your the stongest person I know. Maybe you can find some comfort or strenghth in that. If not your more than welcome to tell me I'm a jerk and then I will make you something if you would like.
Would a grasshopper pie help? :-)
You laid it all out there, Jo, honestly and clearly. It does sound like pure hell, or as much of hell as I can bear hearing about. I am thankful that Ryan is by your side. You have asked for some input - here are a couple of thoughts:
Jo, you have been facing everything with heroic strength, but you don't have to be a SUPER hero. What's wrong with taking some meds prescribed by a psychiatrist to help you get through this? There are times when trying to do it all by facing 'reality' is over-rated, and this could be one of them.
Another idea: I am positive there are groups organized by cancer survivors. These folks meet to talk about their experiences. They DO know what you are going through, and could be a great source of strength to you.
I agree with Anonymous, too, who suggested that you talk to your doc about the extreme side affects - there is usually more than one way to design a chemo regimen.
You are suffering, Jo. So much of scripture is given to God's compassion for those who suffer. Can you remember that Jesus Himself knew extreme suffering? He was fully completely human in his suffering, just as you are. He also called out to His Father, who saw fit to allow His only begotten Son to experience all the pain. You are united to Christ in many ways as a believer, but you are most certainly united to Him now by your suffering. Phil 3:10 "That I might know him and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of his sufferings."
Continuing to pray for you, Jo - Shalom
If we lived or were in the same state I would be where you are holding you and your hand and crying with you, but since we are not, i'm still crying with you and still walking with you on this journey and WILL to the end whether you like it or not, got it!!!!! No one has ever told me to do this, or asked me to. I do it because I care and love you very much!!!
I'm sorry you are feeling like God isn't near you at all, and not listening to you! Your Faith is getting stronger and you are learning sooooo much through this struggle.
I'm still waiting for that day when we can meet until then I'm NOT leaving your side!!!
I'm going to write another little note, and please share it with Ryan!
Love you
Ryan,
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!
I don't think I thanked you enough.
Jo is blessed to have you in her life!
Keep caring and loving that BEAUTIFUL woman of yours!!!
Praying for both of you!
Love you too!
Thanks for your honesty, Jo, and a glimpse of what your struggle is like.
Post a Comment