Coping

For all of you people who have had cancer and survived, you know what it feels like to be done.

For all of you who have never had cancer, I can't really put the feelings into the right words.

It's a really weird/strange/very difficult situation. It's almost like starting life from scratch again and you really do not know what to do for everything.

I have to learn so many things over again. How to build relationships with friends again, talk to the family again over the phone, how to time manage things properly, and above all I have to re-learn how to manage stress. How to get up and actually do things is a hard one...

Having cancer, you don't have the time to worry about things and you just brush them off and forget about it. It drives everyone else crazy but you don't really give a hoot about them either. So now, after being taken care of for 10 months out of your life, you're thrown back into the mixture of life and resume normal pace. Yeaaahhhhh, I don't think so. I thought so, but I don't think so now.

It's really hard to get a grip onto reality again. After going through so much stuff, now all of the sudden everybody is moved, you have to find a job, you have regular school again, you have to make plans, you've got to sort this out and get that done. What the HECK?! Whoa and hold up.

I went through cancer and yeah I used to be a different person but now I've changed and I've got figure all this crap back out again and take on more issues. It is just one thing after another isn't it? For PETES SAKE! I have to learn how to cope, I have to get my body back into gear, and my energy level is STILL NOT back up to where it was. I still want to take naps by 2 o'clock in the afternoon. I have to take the vitamins, gotta watch the nutrition, gotta figure out where to live, gotta decide on classes, figure out a job, move, pack, move, pack, move....

Shut the freak up! That's a lot to do and no time to do it. Well, probably plenty of time but little energy and managing to cope takes a lot of you. How do I know what to do? Don't ask me! It's a don't ask because I don't freaking know and "Frankly, I don't give a damn m'dear." Merging everything back together is like a puzzle and working out the issues is like ironing out a bent piece of metal sheet. Try to steam that wrinkle out....

So patience is a key virtue. And life just sucks again and again. And problems rear their ugly heads into your face at the worse time ever. It's just the same old pattern you see time and time again. For me it's no more of those "leisurely strolls down the street with you hospital gown snapping in the breeze." No, it's more of go and go and go. And figure this out and figure that out and do this and do that. And get your act together and pack and move and work out and figure out job and do school.

I had years of experience of all that crap until some doctor put his face in mine and said I had cancer. Then it's like your world STOPS at a screeching halt and you learn a new life style. Putting those two lifestyles together at the push of the button is like playing chicken with two 18 wheelers on a crowded highway. Get the picture?

So there is my little rant of frustration today....seems like the old me is finally trying to get back into play. And do NOT tell me to go into some special group or see a damn counselor, because I'm stubborn headed and I'll figure it out on my own...like I've done plenty of other times. (You can ask my immediate family, they'll vouch for me, I think. ;-)