Times Change

Why is it so hard to live a life being cancer free? I have no freaking clue. It's hard though.
My hormones are still going all over the place.

I was thinking about this while writing thank you's. I screwed up twice on one because I ended up writing what I was thinking rather than what I should be saying.

Chemotherapy makes you hate life and yourself in multiple ways. First, makes you hate life because you're always sick. Secondly, it haunts you even when you aren't taking it. It gives you probably the worse depression of all. You hate yourself, you hate others around you, you lay on the floor crying all the time, you can't move, and you're in severe pain. Lovely, eh?
Then when your hormones get somewhat balanced out, you live in fear that everything will come back. Every once in awhile, it does come back. The pain, the crying for no reason, the anxiety of nothing in particular, the loneliness, and hating yourself. It's just that you don't know what day it's going to come back on.

For the past two semesters I have not taken more than 3 classes at school. ( 9 credit hours) While it seemed to me that going back to my regular schedule of 4 classes, 13 credit hours, would not be that hard...I was sharply put back into my place. It's quite a handful.

How did I manage to do rad, chemo, work, and 13 credit hours? I have no idea. You could guess and mine would only be as good as yours.

So, I got a new apartment...settled in... and have been working for a month at this new job. It's way hard to figure out this new life. I'm being stubborn and not wanting to do anything. I'm sure after this first semester goes by, I should calm down a bit. I've forgotten what it's like. It's pretty weird and mind blowing.