Upwards

Well, it's been awhile since I've last written but some major changes have taken place.

I found a job as a teacher in Parker, CO. I moved up to Denver and got my own apartment.
I moved on last Sunday and started the job on last Monday. Everything is going well. I am also now a writer for the University I attend. After all this chemo and radiation, I've still maintained A's and B's.

So wooo! There is an update to my life. Ryan and I have about 138 days till the wedding.

When I look back, about only a month ago, I remember all the pain and sickness I went through. It was a disaster. Not too sure how I did everything and time managed...but I did. Amazing. Now though, it's a disconnected feeling that I battle with. I go around people my age and I still feel completely different and semidetached to them. I feel older, I have known more physical pain than most of them, my body is still recuperating and it feels as if I can't keep up with them. So many of them know so little of me and who I am.
When I'm with people the question comes up, time and time again, do they think about their death? Do they give serious thought to life in death? Most of the time the answer is : No.

The main thing that kept me wishing to live, is that I knew the pain that my death would bring to my family members. I know the emotional pain that death brings with it to all who is left on Earth. It isn't pleasant nor welcoming. If I died, I would go to Heaven and longer be in pain. I was not scared to die. Yet, it was too much to think about when I visioned how my family would do without me. It was also too much to think about never getting married to the love of my life when I finally could. That was basically why I fought to live. I wonder what everyone else's reasoning would be?

How did I fight? I remember taking four baths a day to calm the pain that went over my entire body. When I got really sick from heating my body temp so high, I would climb out of the tub and lay on the bathroom floor. Then, in my mind I would pretend that someone would be sitting beside me, talking to me about every day plans and what we were going to do in the future together. I disconnected my mind from reality. Sometimes, I got lost in day dreams. I would usually talk myself to sleep because I didn't have strength to listen to someone else or open my mouth up to speak. When people started ranting and raving at me or doing something unappreciative, I learned how to shut my mind down and turn them off while thinking about what I had to do that day.

I never wanted to cry because when I cried it amplified every pain in my body. My eyes burned with amazing agony, my head would pound, and my neck killed. So, I tried my best never to cry...even though I thought it was the best medicine.

I remember thinking if I would ever get to see my niece grow up and spoil her, or if it would be possible to see my close relatives before I died.

The tiny little things now matter a lot. Like a hug from a brand new friend, when you thought you would never make new friends again. Or when a small child says hi to you and tells you that you're their favorite teacher.

One day, I am assuming cancer will come back. Depending on my age, I will choose to either fight it or let it take me down. It lingers over you like a black cloud. All you did was transfer the darkness out of you into the air around you. They say it becomes more of a distant memory the more you are cancer free. Truth is though, the thoughts stay with you forever and you will remember the nightmare.