The Aftermath, there always is one.

~My heart was heavy and my body hurt. Emotions ruled completely, shutting everything else down. I had no clue what was happening and didn't understand life anymore.~

No one told me what to expect as a survivor of cancer. I hadn't come into contact with any. They days following the last treatment were horrendous. Mom and Dad left for Minnesota to go live for awhile with grandmother. Ryan and I waved good-bye to them outside the Longmont apartment. Then, there was one left in Colorado. I stayed because Ryan had become a solid piece of my soul and sanity. I couldn't, and still can't, explain the bond that I had created with my to-be-husband. In all the hustle and bustle of the routine of chemo and radiation, I still had the hope of being with the man that I loved. I never needed to run around and do things with him, I always had a shoulder to lean on, and quite frankly I tried to be happy but often times was not around him. I could just rest and be whatever mood I was in. Above all, just his presence took away some of the physical pain, which made me happy and at peace. You can tell me that this isn't possible. Just the presence of a person can't take away pain. I'll contradict you and tell you to go through my pain and then tell me it can't happen.

You see, when mom and dad left I'm not really sure what happened to me. It felt as if my body shut down and the pain and agony of 9 months came pouring out. It started when I went for a job interview and it ended up being with a job-placement agency. I was disappointed and felt mislead. On the way back to the apartment I called my sister and dissolved into tears. I couldn't handle stress anymore, my body and mind had reached it limit.

The searing pain of what I later began to call Chemo Depression started to creep into my system. First, it started in my lower back, next to the shoulders, and finally spreading out through my entire back, head, and legs. This first attack had me laying down on the floor of the living room sobbing my head off. I couldn't move, I couldn't stop crying, and I laid in a tight fetal position on my side to help alleviate the pain in my back. It was the utmost pain I had ever felt in my life. I couldn't move and I could barely breath between the sobs.

I called Ryan and said I couldn't stop crying. I cried throughout most of our conversation. After hanging up the phone, I called mom. I cried even more. I didn't move from my position on the floor. Finally, at around 7ish, Ryan came through the door and surprised me. The moment, when he walked through the door, a portion of the pain went away. You see the part of your brain that processes loneliness is very close to processing pain. It's almost the same thing to your body. While, I did cry some more, having him with me gave me some strength to get up and eat, go to the bathroom, and talk.

Things don't stop just because the treatments stop and the PET scan says you're in the clear. That certainly is a big part of it, but your mental stability is quite unstable. After all the chemicals, the mood swings, the emotional roller coaster, the worrying, and the battles how can a person be just fine? After the first attack of "Chemo Depression", the attacks would come once a week, after while once a month, and finally once every three months, and then they vanished (once and in a random time coming back). I don't have them anymore. I can be happy Jo now, living with the man who was amazing through a tough journey. I can appreciate life, friendships, family and work through trivial hardships.

June 11th is right around the corner. It marks my 2nd year of being a survivor and hopefully the year when I get my book done. Most importantly, it marks many changes that have taken place in me. Personality changes, physical changes, philosophical changes, and emotional changes. Make no mistake, there are times when I still try to cope with everything. (Maybe I should get a dog.... hmmm?) ;P However, I still find the old Jo once and awhile and wonder about my excursions before cancer.

How fearfully and wonderfully are we made?! The mystery of a human body is incredible!!

Love to all.