Thanks everyone for commenting... it was nice reading what you wrote. : )
Thank you for your prayers as well. I am in constant need of them.
Writing is my way of expressing myself. If you talk to me face to face, I'll probably tell you that I'm fine...unless if I'm on my knees throwing up. It's also my way of kicking and screaming at the world. I often think that I don't stand up for what I want often enough. Sure I'm stubborn and after awhile I get the point across of what I want. However, there are plenty of times where someone will be telling me this or telling me that... or they will do something that I don't like. And frankly, I'll brush it off. It can be a good thing, by avoiding a lot of unnecessary arguments and it can be a bad thing by not standing up for a belief or for myself.
I've found a new hobby by-the-way... and that would be crying. It feels good. (once I get past the initial tears that hurt my eyes and head really bad) Actually, I'm pretty sure that it will go away once chemotherapy is done and I can feel normal again. But holy cows... sleeping and sobbing my way through 4 months, doesn't sound too bad. It may sound terrible to everyone else, but those two things are really good releases, as I have discovered. And then.... I'll be done with 4 months and I can get back on track. Good. (I'm sure everyone else will be relieved as well.) I'm pretty sure it won't go that way, don't worry.
I, personally, would like to go back to California... or to a different state. Doesn't matter. Just as long as I'm away from chemo and Colorado and can relax. Has anyone ever hyperventilated? Lord have Mercy... not fun. It was my first time. Next time, I'll jump into a cold shower to shell shock myself from doing that again. (kidding.)
And this is what life with cancer is like. Ups and downs. (Mainly a lot of downs where you just don't give a crap and you would rather be dragged through mud... however...) It depends on the day, the moment, and who said what to you the previous day or hour. You see, us cancer patients we look like we are tough (actually we look like we've been through hell) and we act like it's nothing to sit and get pumped for 3 hours. And on top of it all, we will smile and say we are doing fine before we sit in that plastic recliner chair. ( I wonder if they are that way b/c the nurses are afraid of patients throwing up?) Hmmmm, you wonder why? Me too! Congrats, we are on the same level. Life goes on and doesn't stop. (even though you wish it would.)
1 comment:
Hey Jo, it’s Kristi (Lynsay’s Mom). I know I haven’t been good at responding to your blogs, but I do read them faithfully and I think of you often. I was so excited for you when I heard the news that your pre-surgery chemo and radiation regimen worked!
You are one extremely lucky Cancer Warrior. It’s a blessing to know that the treatment you call “Hell on Earth” is working…destroying cancer cells.
Unfortunately, the answers to your “whys?” don’t always come when you want or need them. With time your “whys?” will be answered. So, I hope at this stage of your treatment you are able to focus on finding comfort and the energy to get through your upcoming chemo. I know four months seems like a long time…especially when you have chemo every two weeks…but the time and energy that you invest into your treatment is priceless. Especially when you look beyond the next four months….a future of remission!!!
Although I have never had the opportunity to meet you, I get the feeling that you are a very strong woman. It takes a lot of strength to fight cancer and it takes an extreme amount of strength to ask for help. I hope you are sharing the side effects and/or any struggles that you have been experiencing with your medical team. They have many options to help make your side effects somewhat tolerable…don’t give up on your medical team! If you need an advocate…I can help.
In a previous blog you wrote about how life doesn’t and won’t stop after you are diagnosed with cancer. This is so true and such a good thing. You’re doing your part to fight this disease. I hope that by you sharing your experience you will inspire the lives around you to do what they can to help the fight against cancer. There is so much that can be done from supporting a Cancer Warrior (like you), raising funds, for awareness and research to find a cure. We all have a different role in the fight against cancer; some of us need a little help indentifying our role. Wouldn’t it be great if there was a cure for cancer or at least a treatment without the side effects that you have been experiencing!!!
Jo, I hope that when you are feeling alone you can shut your eyes, relax, and feel me holding tightly on to your hand along with the hands of each person that cares and prays for you!
Take Care,
Kristi
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