Alas...it's here.

My birthday is here! Yippy! Thanks for the wishes. Today was a better day than yesterday and tomorrow, in 2 hours, will be my birthday and hopefully better than today. Keep up?

I do not know how long my life will be. I do not know if the cancer will come back later on to finally take me home. Nor do I know what lies ahead and if I'll make it to my wedding come December.

However, I did make it to May 15th and that is good. I wish I could say I will last to 60 without any more chemo, but nothing is for certain is it? I feel like I'm 40 right now. All I do is lay around and sleep while reminding myself how to breath properly in and out.

I wish I had the excitement and energy that I display in some words. Honestly, I don't have that energy and that just plain out sucks, huh? My next birthday should be better with the energy level. Heck, I even hate traveling on these days....add 10 more years to my age.

To put it all in perspective, I really don't know what's going on. If I hadn't been diagnosed with cancer in October then I would be getting married on June 14th...I would be able to travel to CO Springs to be with friends for my birthday.... I wouldn't have to rely on my parents taking care of me... I could still hold a job... I wouldn't have to worry about health insurance.

However, then I wouldn't have learned the lessons of life would I? Nor would I have grown close to God. Nor would I know the feeling of death being so close.

Who are we in this world? In college, we have a number, or just a name on a roster. The people that need help the most are often the people that get neglected... For example: health insurance companies: they don't want you if you have medical problems to take care of. No, they just want the people who are healthy and take all of their money.
To the government: we are just numbers. Stamped at birth.
Even in high school: we are just numbers.
People are statistics. I am one in college, for being Caucasian, for being Female, for having cancer....and probably there is a statistic for having blond hair and blue eyes.

You are only a person when you interact with family and friends. They are the ones who know the name and put the personality to it. If you leave them, then you lose yourself because then all you become is a number somewhere listed on the map.

Some day, I won't be a statistic anymore on the map. I'll be with my Maker, the guy who's lap I crawl into every time I'm sick and can't figure out how to breath. You know the one, who takes away the gray from my skin, the black from my veins, and makes my hair grow back? Ya, that one. I don't know when I'll meet him. I hope not soon, no offense, but just after I have a good number of birthdays where I have the energy to meet up with friends and do stuff. Maybe get a good number of summers under my belt where I can plant some flowers and drink lemonade and go outside where I'm not fearful of the cold hurting my eyes, nose, throat, hands, and feet.

That would be a good birthday present.