Calm Before the Storm.

You know, you shouldn't sweat the small stuff. Specially when you about to undergo an extensive surgery. However, you're human. What else can you do? Got to worry about something and have something wrong in order to keep your life busy, right?

You have so much time in your life it seems endless but at the end of it all, it seems as if you haven't had enough.

I'm tired...well, that's a lie. I just don't want to get up in the morning to face another day or running around, doing this, doing that, remembering my check list, and dealing with all the anxiety and stress of the day. The peace of God seems like a laughable imaginative thing at this point. If you could just be still and listen to his spirit, then all will seem ok. Right? Ok, you be still when you have this and that and this and decisions, and chemotherapy, and work, and more decisions. Then you see if you can hear God. Sure you can feel him but what about hearing and listening to him?
You can strain your ears, pray for hours, and there is still something missing. What exactly is missing? pshhhh.... I guess this is why you go through trials. There are people out there who over drink, smoke, do drugs, not work because they don't want to, not chrisitians, and still have a good life. Because I am a christian, I get cancer, can't get married when I want to, have to deal with health insurance problems forever, have surgeries, chemotherapy, radiation....and I still work and go to school.
When I cry out to God that I can't take it anymore, I get 5 seconds of peace...while another person's pain/worry/everything else gets lessened.

I'm not saying that I have lost faith... I've gained more. I'm not saying I'm turning from my faith... I've gone more towards it.

But what I am saying is that I am just ready to relax. To calm down. To stop pressing myself to do everything in the world by the time I'm 25. I'm tired of arguments, I'm tired of stress, anxiety and fear. I'm tired of what to do and how to do everything perfectly when I wake up.
I'm tired by the age of 20. Aren't you tired? There has to be something that can be changed. There has to be something that makes it ok for me to let go of all the pressing and saddening issues. It's not that I don't care anymore, it's just that I've been trying so hard and every corner seems like another failure. And even though I'm fighting cancer, and that I will win, it just shows me that I can still win and lose at the same time. You can win the biggest fight, but what will you gain?
You can keep up a higher standard for yourself, you can still love and care, you can still do amazing things...but sometimes it won't be enough. It may not be enough for you or for somebody else that has higher expectations for you.
I've just got to learn how to let go and know that not everything is perfect, definetly I'm not. The quicker I learn that, then maybe I'll get some peace and actually have the life that I dreamed about. Maybe that is the puzzle piece that isn't fitting in. I am just tired and fresh out of ideas on how to make things work around here.

Surgery starts on Wednesday! Keep me in your prayers! Thanks for all the cards and presents.... hopefully I will ahve time to sit down and write out thank you! Yeesh.
Lots of Love. :)