Today starts the treatment. I'm not too sure why they call this stuff a treatment. I guess there really is no other way to put it. "Treatment" for healthy people makes it sound like everything is good and it's just a matter of a short time before you're healthy again. It doesn't have a negative connotation to it. This crap is negative and it makes you feel as if your life is going to hell in a hand basket...on the fast track. For the "sick people" the word "treatment" is starting to sound like your in a psychiatric ward going insane and hoping that you are about to wake up from a terrible nightmare that consists of white walls, screams, and some sort of medication.
Everyone tells you to stay strong in the Lord, he'll never leave, he is carrying you through this...
Well of course that is true. I believe that God is with me and that he will help me through. Sometimes it is hard to feel him.
However, no matter how many times you hear this it does not replace the fact that this has screwed up your entire life, permanently. It doesn't change the fact that you will feel like crap, may not have kids, will feel pain, can't get married the time that you wanted, struggle in school, and worry about health insurance all by the time you are 19.
Yeah, it does sadden some people to read that. You think your sad just by reading it? Now be me and actually go through it.
Something is bothering me though:
Yeah I know that I'm lucky to have such a strong support group and so much love. I am a sensitive person when it comes to that. Every little word that I hear or read means something to me. I know what love is and I know how lucky I am to have it. So stop Freaking telling me that I am "lucky". You have no idea how many people have told me how lucky I am.
It doesn't make me feel great to hear that I am lucky to have these people by me. What lucky would be is to be a person on the other side of things watching me go through it. They don't have to go through the tremendous amount of sadness that you have to, nor through the amount of pain. It would be a blessing to give love, strength, and a listening ear to the person who has cancer and who is struggling. It is a blessing to do such a thing for the people who need it the most. It's why I want to be a counselor when I am able to get a job. The other person isn't lucky! They are blessed to have people be by them and to hold them up but they don't need to hear that. They feel blessed. I am not ignorant to the fact that people are helping me. Who would blow that fact off as if it were nothing?
So next time you would like to tell me that I am "lucky" please don't. I am not lucky. I am merely blessed to have such people around me to hold me up. If I was a person watching another go through cancer, I would feel blessed that I had an opportunity to love on them. That person, I guarantee you, would feel the effects of that "luck" and count themselves blessed to have such a person.
Do not think I am ignorant, nor mean, nor doubtful of God. I appreciate your support and love. So stop telling me that I am lucky. I am not. You go through what I have gone through and then add this on top of it... you would not count yourself lucky. Instead I see myself as loved and blessed by God.
6 comments:
WOW!! I could feel the pain in your words!! You are right about the lucky part. I used to think I was always lucky, but I now use the word BLESSED, because God has blessed me with so many wonderful people in my life. I don't think you are lucky to have this blog, or lucky to have people write to you! You are blessed by our presence even if we don't know you.
I may not know what it's like to go through what you are, and I'm sorry this happened to you, but I feel blessed that I can walk with you through this and be there for you, even if it's through this blog.
I wish I was there to give you the support you need, but I can't and I hope through this blog it helps a little. I would love to sit with you and talk with you about all this, and yes we would cry together, but we would laugh too. I hope this week goes well for you, and you are near to my heart.
Thank you for blessing me with this blog! I love you
So, we're talking about blessings, huh?
Once upon a time, seems like a very long time ago there was a small little kingdom in Minnesota that held many wonderful children. Within this kingdom a princess - who no one know was such royalty - ran among them. As she ran, she reminded the little children (and the adults) of the many blessings that her Father had for them. The messages came in many forms. One day while swinging she reminded us of all the wonderful things that her Father had in heaven, like "anything you love, like balloons and flowers!" Most of the time she reminded the small kingdom of His blessings in the way she interracted with life. She was quite a spitfire, but she loved all she came in contact with in her very own special way that SHE had been blessed by her Father in heaven. These gifts that we all received were blessings from our heavenly Father through His princess. She even reminded me that I could believe in His love. When I asked this three-year-old how she could be so sure, she responded, "because the Bible tells me so!"
Have I been blessed by this life? I could fill many books!
This princess continues to teach me about my Heavenly Father. I hope that she keeps teaching me as I have a lot to learn.
You are a special blessing from our Father to many!
I know that I'm the lucky one, to have such a rockstar of a sister! CBB is lucky to have such an awesome aunt!!! And Ryan is lucky to have found such a beautiful, intelligent woman. We are all the lucky ones to know you.
Hi Jo, I am so glad to get your blog as I have been wondering how you are. I imagine by this time you have had your first "treatment". You're absolutely right - it is yucky and how wish I could spare you all of this. Your sadness is palpable bit I nevertheless can feel the sadness intermingled with blessings. The feelings of one's heart as so unique - only God truly knows and cries with you. I thank and praise God that He made you so special and unique just as you are. You touch so many without even being aware of it. I have sent a couple of things by e-mail so hopefully you got them in case this doesn't go. My love and prayers go out for you each day. Gretchen
My words seem so inadequate at times, I can hardly express my self without stopping mid-sentence to catch my breath, and stop the tears. I want you to know that you are a superstar in my book. I want you to know that I think you are a fighter - a true warrior. I love the honesty you are finding in this and want it to never stop, even after you have your life back on track. I say, give em hell and fight on. Push till it hurts and then push some more. Pray until your knees are sore and then pray some more. We are in this fight together even though you are the one that has to carry the burden. If I could lift that pack from you - in a hearbeat...
Jo,
Anyone with cancer is not lucky. You are very special and a blessing to those who know you. And, through all of this you are thinking of helping others. It is amazing how God has His plan.
Many people are praying for you and have asked how it is going. Thank you for the update.
God loves you and so do we!
Aunt Cindy
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