Another Hello.

Alright, I am just kidding about the last one being last post for awhile.
I up at the parents and laying in bed by 9 o'clock (yeah, I know, I sound old.) and I just really don't want to sleep.
In fact, most nights now, I lay awake thinking...until I just fall asleep. It's pretty nice and I've gotten into the habit.

I had an amazing Christmas with family. Granted it was only mom, dad, Erica, Brian, and Alex but that was perfect. (It could have been better with Ryan, but he does have his family. hehe) We did have a blast and it was quite fun and interesting. We are heading off to the condo on Saturday. So wooowhoo!

Though, the purpose of this blog is going to be another particularly deep. I've never really discussed what happens in the process of cancer, or the nitty-gritty details. As I am laying awake in my bed thinking about everything, I thought to share some of these things. (After all- it is a blog of my journey)

So in my head, I have a constant battle, constant decisions, warfare, and two personalities batteling it out. It's a nasty bloody battle and I'm not fighting for something small, I am fighting for myself...my life. It is a decision and battle that I can only imagine that every cancer patient goes through. You think you are turning bi-polar with the extremes that dance and roam free throughout the labryinth of your head.
It's a battle that one side says to me that I will never make it. My Maker wants me home early because he loves me too much to see me suffer. It whispers to me, through my thoughts, that the pain and sickness is a sign of weakening and loss of life. It is a strong and silent wall that has doubt, worry, and anxiety written all over it. It says to me that even though I have tried so hard to live and stay strong for my loved ones, that I have failed.
Yet, I have a stronger side. I look into the mirror and see this woman before me and wonder who she is and what she is capable. Because, without doubt, she has still strength left in her and will to fight, and does not fail. For the love of others she will move on and she knows that it is quite clear to her maker that she is not ready to go home. She still has work to do on this Earth and she has the power and drive to make an impact. There is something deep within me that I haven't even touched. I can easily suffer through some mishaps in order to stay here. No, you don't understand....let me try to open your eyes to who I am...

I know there is something within me that I haven't touched, I have strength, and I have fight in me. It is within everyone's power to fight for their life. Only until they have that peace that they know it is time, do they give in...maybe not ready for the next step of life but still, they know when. Sometimes, this fails but it is all within God's plan. Sometimes I battle it out with God in my head. I tell him I'm not ready to leave because I have more work to do for him. If he could give me more time with my loved ones, I will give him more glory to his name. He listens, and for the moment, I believe he understands. If only I could give you a glimpse of his glory. Which is shown through his mercy and love. The best thing in the world is to experience that. Could I give you a glimpse? All I can write is that: it is the most happiness you have ever felt and you cry and you can't stop crying. Why? You don't want to, it's just another step you go through to find peace. Although, we will never find peace in this life. Just the joy of living to see another Christmas, to give another hug, to laugh at another joke, to learn another lesson from dad, to watch the little baby grow up, and to hear her laugh is enough to make me cry. Do you understand the impact? I have barely opened up to anyone, no one knows my heart and mind, no one has heard my story, but if I could just give you something...it would be a glimpse of God's mercy. Maybe you have a story, maybe you are someone that barely anyone knows, what would you give to someone?

I know I cannot do this on my own. I often find myself sitting or laying in my bed crying away and wishing that everything would just disappear However, the next day or moment I find myself happy that I walk. If I could only open your eyes up to love. The most powerful emotion and thing in your possession. I don't know how to properly use it effectively at many times, but I have grown in leaps and bounds.

I live to love. Even though trusting may come hard, I can still love. Even though loving is hard to do at times, I still love after the storm. What gets me through cancer? Love. I could possibly do this without family because I have so much fight in me. However, it would be a whole heck of a lot harder without Ryan, mom, dad, Erica, Brian, Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins. When I see them in pain over my pain, it is unbearable for me. Why do I live, if not for Love? People are different. I am very different. Even I do not know myself at times. I have grown to the age of who knows what by now? Who am I to you?

Often I find my forehead in my hands. Often I find myself struggling to decide, even over the little things it is hard. I spend so much energy on the inevitable battles in my head that sometimes, you just don't care to decide on little things. Often I find myself laughing and practically wanting to dance. Then in the same day I would like to just curl up and forget. Often I think of my friends and who I call a friend. What do they mean to mean? What can I do for them?

This is only a taste of the complexity of thoughts, discussions, feelings, and beliefs of my head and heart. It may not mean a single thing to you, and it can go in and out of your head. I really wouldn't mind if it did. But if just one sentence made you think, or showed you something, or just reminded you of something....then I did ok. : )