One, typically you don't know you have it.
Two, something is wrong... go to see a doctor. (haha, blood sucking pieces of...)
Now here is a step that may be different for us cancer patients.
You either, go in for surgery and POW! You have cancer. or you go get a test done and POW! You have cancer.
Then, after the doctor tells it to you with a grim face (your face looks like it got plowed into by a car...) you try to comprehend this issue. You see, small little facts like: You Have Cancer, doesn't compute well in such a small brain.
So you shuffle out of the door of the doctors office, oblivious to what he ever said to you, and take a good look at your surroundings. Then! It hits you. Holy Sh!& I Have Cancer. (that is what the doctor told you)
Now what? Well, you go talk to the blood sucking health insurance agency... crying. Then you call your boss... crying. Then you call ONE family member. OH just one. Why? Because within maximum of 2 hours, you will have had 18 calls from other family members asking to explain what the HELL is going on. Why dial the numbers? They will be calling. (only because they love you.) And so you explain, while your mind dives into a stupor and you no longer cry because now you just wish you were really drunk. (wine fixes everything, right?! wrong... however...)
By now, you're past the initial shock...you have "soldiered up" and came to face cancer.
Then you meet the doctors.... You're Nine or so blood sucking doctors. God Bless Them... (they put up with so much. *cough*)
SOOOooooOoOo, now that you can't keep your appointments straight and you don't know which doctor is which and where they are located... you rely on the calls of "I would just like to remind you of your appointment tomorrow with Dr. So and So." Oh- thank you, I knew I had one.... but I would rather not think of another rectum examination. But who is this doctor? Where are they located? What time is the app.?
You play 100 questions with every doctor, who refers you to another doctor.... who finally gives you to the ultimate player..... your Oncologist. bahahahaha! You will learn to love and really really *laughs* despise this person. It could be the sweetest soul ever and you will STILL want to put their head in a trash can and bang it around.
Then your treatments start. (I know, you were getting bored with the docs.) Everyone promises you they will go well, you'll come out good!, and it'll all be over before you know it. BLOOD SUCKING!!! Ahem, anyway. So chemo and rad together... if you have colon cancer, then yes, your butt gets fried. You have a lot of symptoms and you are starting to despise lasers. And also the "theraputic whirrr of your chemo pump every 3 minutes."
So 6 weeks go by of straight chemo and rad and YOU'RE FREE!!! aaahhhhh, freedom. (Yeah, right, you wish.)
Next you schedule surgery. You don't think it will be to bad...
And then you fill out your Living Will. (yup, that's right... are you going to die? because you did not just do 6 weeks of pure crap to die on a stupid metal table!)
Then you go through feelings of sadness, loneliness, pain, sorrow, and detachment from the world. You get out of the hospital... and POW! You can breath again, and get better a lot faster.
Only to go to the parents house for some TLC. (more like TMN... too much nagging)
5 weeks off.... breath a sigh of relief. and then you get to the ugly sneering rat called chemotherapy. This my friends... Will make you crawl, make you cry, make you hurt, scream, curse, and will put life in perspective for you. But all the while, you will try to smile and when you can't, you will ask to be held. When you are held, you'll still cry. You will love soft flannel sheets, throw up bowls by the bed, foods that you can keep down, warmth of a bath, kisses from your loved one, flowers, wheelchairs, crying, and story time.
And if you get free from chemo, if you're finally let go to enjoy life... God willing.... you will never have to go back. If you do, I would recommend eating a lot of chocolate. WHY? I have no clue. Doesn't even sound good to me... Might as well do it though and flaunt it in everyone else's face.
And that is a cancer story.
4 comments:
Jo -
There are other people going through this. Talk to them. They've been through exactly what you've described - they know it first hand. Talk to them.
Shalom - Teri
Of course I'm going to leave some deep and meaningful comment for you and the rest of the crowd;
I've never met a wise person that doesn't have scars!
And the second profound pearl; we are all only one string in the orchestra of life - you are going to get plucked - it's only the tone that you make which reflects the music of your soul.
I saw the term, "soldier up" and want to push that word just a little more. Think of Andrew slogging through the mountains, carrying a fully loaded pack and ammo. Living in harsh climates, eating shitty MRE's and crapping in the wilderness day after day. He never knows when a bullet could hit him from some sniper rifle. So what does he do, he soldiers up and puts on another pair of socks, hauls his 80lb pack up on his shoulders and walks on the trail. So this is your trail, cancer is your pack and chemo is the bullet. You are doing a wonderful job of moving on, toughing it out and hanging in there. Your the best example of "tough" I have seen in a long time. I'm pretty sure the Marines would have loved you. So hang in there girl; "soldier" up cause this trail is coming to an end. There is going to come a time when you no longer have to bare your arse to the world, the poop shoot will become a one way street again and food on a menu will be an option.
You know this man loves you the most!
It sounds like you are still having a hard time dealing with the fact you have cancer.
I know that everyone that reads this blog wishes they knew what to say to make you feel better, or were able to take away your physical pain, but we aren't able to do that. Only you are able to get yourself through this hard time in your life.
There are A LOT of people in this world who have gone through exactly what you are going through. Reach out to them as Teri suggests, and ask what helped them get through the dark moments, those moments they are completely miserable, and wonder how they can go on.
I’ll be here when you need me, but I need you to tell me what you need.
E Driver you are so right! I'm always trying to figure out what to say, but usually end up telling you what's on my heart. I'm sure I say things you don't like and i'm sorry! I don't know what it's like to have cancer, but I want to be a support to you, and be there when you need me. I will be here for you to get through these next 4 hard months of chemo. Crying is good, and God does hear you even if he doesn't answer.
Love you!
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